Friday, November 19, 2004

Would you like type two diabetes with that sir?

Confession. I am addicted to junk food. I dont know if it is a psychological addiction like that seen in marijuana users, nose pickers or blog junkies. Or if it is a more physical addiction, like smoking or using mint sauce on lamb cutlets.

Whatever it is I am starting to worry.

Now for those of you who don’t know me, I don’t look like I am addicted to junk food. Indeed I have at various times been described as skinny, puny even. I am teased for having shoulders that look like I am wearing an 80’s designer shirt with shoulder pads – without the pads. Or even funnier, that I left the coat hanger in when I put on my jumper. I am so skinny that my younger brother terms me the ‘runt of the littler.’ My father teases me by saying there is more meat on a jockeys whip or more meat on a butchers pencil, and then he taunts me by saying I must have to run around in the shower to get wet.

My mother is skinny, when people state ‘Oh you are so skinny’ - where I sulk and mutter to myself about the day when the shoe is on the other foot, she simply retorts ‘No I am not, you are just fat’

As I said, I don’t look like a junk food junky. I should do tho. I eat it regularly. Sometimes daily.
Yet my weight hovers about the mid-late to very-late 60’s

I never run.


I avoid walking anywhere. I have a scooter so I don’t have to walk and I get a park right outside every time. I walk from the scooter to a desk and then sit down. I walk around in the day between classes and to get lunch. I then walk back to my scooter and scoot home.

At home I walk to the fridge and to the loo and to bed.

When I walk, I take the most direct route every time. When I am walking across a road I ‘J’ walk to cut down the distance. When I walk down and across a hallway - I consciously walk as diagonally as I can.
My philosophy for walking is that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

As an aside I ask you this. You are able to get disabled parking cards if you are over weight. Is this not counter-intuitive? Surely we should be making over weight people walk the greatest distance across the car park to get to the supermarket.

Anyway. Back to skinny ol’ me.
I use to play goal keeper when I was in a soccer team – less moving.
I get tired running - out of milk.
I dread running for buses and so avoid buses.
I like larger, pilsener, dark beer, Guinness and whisky.
I like McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Chinese, Asian Food Halls, Burger Fuel.
I also like heat and eat meals.
I also like big servings.
I last exercised properly sometime toward the beginning of this decade.

I am a creature of leisure and I am starting to get worried.

You see all over the western world the previously untouchable skinny person is coming under threat from late onset type two diabetes. I understand that this condition is more prevalent among my more bulky brothers and sizeable sisters, however I understand that anyone is at risk. I understand that you cannot tell who is going to get taken up by this disease. I guess I exhibit many of the risk factors of picking it up, however whether I do or not is still up in the air. Risk factors? As I understand it those are a bit up in the air too, millions of people across the western world are like me yet we aren’t all going to get it. Are the risk factors for diabetes kind of like the risk factors for being abducted by aliens? Such as you are more likely to be abducted by UFO’s if you happen to be American, live in the mid west Bush voting states, and are a lumberjack. These risk factors indicate your increased likelihood of becoming ET’s lab rat, just as eating crap, doing crap and crapping crap means you have the risk factors associated with type two diabetes.

Crap, no one can tell me. Can you tell me if I am going to get ill? Can you tell me how to stop everybody getting diabetes? Is quitting being a junk food junkie going to actually help?

I had hoped that medical science would not only catch up human illness by the time I grew up, but overtake it just before the inevitable infirmity of old age and disease caught up with me.
I shall continue to defer that hope…


  • You are more likely to get type II 'adult onset' diabetes if you are polynesian, australian aborigine, african or native american. Nonetheless, Connie, I have warned you about your diet. I also need to start really thinking about it - my belly has grown to substantial proportions recently. I am a bad person.

    By Blogger Xavier, at 7:33 pm  

  • My solution to this problem has been to gradually transition myself from a world of self delusion into 'reality'. Note that this magical dietary silver bullet has not yet become mainstream, and so you will not find it gracing the shelves next to "The South Beach Diet™"­ or "The Zone™".

    I am petrified of contracting Diabetes, I know next to nothing about it, and I believe this helps as i can formulate the most dire and deadly condition imaginable as an imaginary neurosis.

    Therefore I resolved to "start eating healthy", and heres where the tricky part comes in. I simply began buying things that "sounded healthy to me" which in reality were probably loaded with more carbohydrates, calories and other big words than you can shake a stick at. This meant moving from Big Macs to McChickens (basically anything with the word "chicken" in it gets a big thumbs up), and eating at places that claim they are healthy but really arnt (such as Subway).

    Once you turn this into a systematic process of self delusion and denial, you will be well on your way to eating healthier. You see the idea here is that you are gradually cutting out various parts of your diet that may have seemed unhealthy. Over time it becomes a habit, and yet you still get to eat most of what you want.

    Over time I have refined it, not to the point where im eating salads from McDonalds, but to the point where I watch the size of the meals I do get from fast food places and at least make some effort to eat healthier in actuality, rather than simply at the delusional level.

    And no, there are no plans for a book, im not going to sell out on this one.

    - Brendon Orr

    By Blogger Brendon, at 10:45 pm  

  • Be careful as weight gain can sneak up on you after a while. I found the best way to beat my addiction to junk food was to move to a foreign country then live small city where junk food is hard to get and the serving sizes are smaller when you do get your hands on some.

    By Blogger Stephanie, at 2:08 am  

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